First, I must say. I don’t owe anyone this explanation and am not writing it because I feel obligated to. I owe this to myself and my voice that I supressed for so many years.  I owe this to the many versions of me I had to become in order to finally stand in my truth and show up for myself. I write this for the bullied. I write this for the misfits. I write this for anyone who feels like they don’t belong in a box. I write this for freedom.  I write this for the voices that deserved to be heard and the many people that have taken their own lives, because they didn’t feel acknowledged and were in tremendous fear and pain of being judged by their family, church communites and society. The voices that longed to be unconditionally loved.  These voices are the voices of GOD longing to be heard.  I write this…for you…I write this.. for my unheard voice.

Not that I have kept it much of a secret but I have never really verbalized it so publicly.  I am Gay. I am a unicorn.  Yep. I am a Loud and proud lezzie. I am a big fat homosexual. I like women. Well is that how you “come out of the closet?” Is there a right or wrong way to do this?  Now, before I go slapping anymore labels on myself, I have to say I had the hardest time accepting ANY label for myself, because I didn’t want to be placed in a box. (no pun intended)  After I had fallen for yet another girl, I went on a truth seeking journey, giving my sexuality a voice and also seeking my own spiritual truth and guidance from God/universe/GreatSpirit. Contrary to popular belief, that still small voice kept unconditionally loving and walking with me the entire way. I knew deep down that God was not judging me. All I felt from my God was unconditional love. The only person judging me were outside influences and unfortunately myself.  So off to SF I went from my midwest corner in Indiana. I also did not make an announcment to anyone about what I was doing. I just wanted to live, unapologetically, for the first time in my life, after living a life filled with people pleasing, apologizing, codependency and protecting everyone else’s feelings but my own.

This was a journey I had to take on my own, with my own evolution, in my own time. So for those of my family members, friends, or prior church communities that may not be resonating with my journey, or the way I may be communicating this at this time in my life. There is a song thats lyrics sum it up for me from a band called, NEEDTOBREATHE, HAPPINESS.

“I got dreams that keep me up in the dead of night, Telling me I wasn’t made for the simple life. There’s a light I see, but its far in the distance. Im asking you to show me some forgiveness. It’s all for you in my pursuit of happiness…. Sometimes you leave the ones you love, but if it’s love, they won’t give up… cause they know a war is raging and you gotta choose, these days are tough..these days are long..sometimes its hard, you carry on….. But I hear a voice singing and….. I know its true.”

 

Moving along:

I shortly found out, after submerging myself into the gay community that I now had left one world of judgment and dove right into another world of labels and judgements. How on earth do I  find the “Gay” version of me.  I remember one of the first things someone asked me was, what kind of girls do I like, followed by at least 15 versions of lesbians to choose from. Am I a fem lesbian? I mean… thats a lot of pressure. How does one truly find out who they are when labels are bogging everyone down, more things to seperate us….. only to replace old labels with new ones? (when in doubt…unicorn.) I highly understand the word “queer” on so many levels now.

Now…onto personal style.  It wasn’t until I started to tap into my creative, imaginitive side that I started slowly changing my appearance. I spent more time alone and with less distractions. My diet completely changed, I submerged myself into yoga and I stopped drinking.   It was so fun getting to know me. Just the stillness of me and my guidance system.  I had always seemed to gravitate more towards female clothing previously, with the help of friends dressing me of course. (this is for real, getting dressed was always a struggle and oftentimes copying any clothes dressed on a mannequin I saw that looked cute) Its really embarrassing when you walk into a party wearing the exact same outfit as a huge doll from H&M and someone says “Hey, I saw that outfit on a mannequin today”. ha!  I had also spent a lifetime playing roles and trying to be something for everyone else.  I was living everyone elses version of me. (Now don’t get me wrong, I do have a good sense of style so I did rock each version of me with a little class and sass)  From the girls and guys I dated I had focused more on what I think they would like. (Codependency and people pleasing at its finest.)

Can I tell you how amazingly liberating it is to finally look at yourself in the mirror with integrity and dignity and say, “aha! now there you are.” I love getting dressed and expressing myself creatively through my personal style. So liberating!!! Also, I really do look at myself if the mirror and say that. No joke. Self love is a real thing and it’s where it all starts.

A few points I would like to make:

I lived most of the first part of my life in fear. Fear of being differen’t. Fear of being Gay. Fear of being judged by my family or church. Fear of being myself. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of having opinions outside of the opinions and beliefs I had always been taught.  Fear of being judged by what society’s idea of “normal” should be.   I was even in fear that the gay community wouldn’t accept me changing my appearance to suit more of what my soul felt aligned with.  Crazy, right?  The biggest point of freedom for me, was being able to look this fear in the face and just ask “why?’ Why am I so afraid of losing people by becoming more of who I am? Why am I so afraid to do what truly makes ME happy. Why am I even afraid to express opinions outside the realm of the places that raised me? The answers did come, with a really long process of understanding something about the previous versions of me:

I never had opinions of my own and if I did I never made them known, because I didn’t think it mattered and I never wanted to rock the boat. I was in fear of disrupting anything.   I had never even had my own political views or an awareness of most of my surroundings.  It was almost as if I were sleep walking oftentimes struggling with anxiety, depression and drug and alcohol abuse.  This Means that I was like a camelion. Never standing out or up for anything I believed.   I lived in a victim mentality. (Unaware) I swayed with the wind and opinions of the friends and family that surrounded me. I never knew how to make a decision that didn’t involve asking a million people what I should do, thus meaning I was never making my own decision. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even when making a decision for my own life.  My decisions and opinions were always another persons idea of what they think I should do or wear or be.  After that realization I had even more awakenings.  (This was my process of evolving) Looking at more of my fears dead on.  So, “I’m scared to look and act differen’t than I did before?”   In my mind when I had looked to the past through my imagination, on how I looked and acted before, it was such a limited perspective.   “you look so different”, “you act so differen’t”.  This would always trigger me. Until I came to a new understanding. People are only viewing you through the their own rose colored  lenses and I was viewing my past self through other people’s lenses. The lenses that have also been fogged by a lifetime of their own hurt, their own familial conditioning and their own fears. I was forgetting about my entire journey, and the present version of me from my higher perspective and allowing fear to control my next moves. Remember people are viewing you and your walk, through their own limited perspective the awareness of this can help with having grace for other people. “Forgive them, they know not what they do.”

I slowly realized when another person is not acting in a loving way, and not seeing you and loving you for who you truly are now in the present moment. The love is very conditional. “I love you if and only if your are…”  it means they are wanting you to be their idea, or their version of you, because if you aren’t , then who are they? That picture or idea they have disappears, the veils come down, and now their own illusion is shattered.  It takes away control and shatters comfort zones. People can choose to expand or they can choose to shut down and go to belief that are familiar to them. The ones that choose comfort zones, fears and control are usually the ones that are going to project their hurts onto you, the loudest.

I had been following everyone else’s projections of who they wanted or thought me to be, to stay their “Julie” in hopes to not hurt feelings.  Essentially I ended up acting out everyone else’s projections of me,  because I had no idea what my own soul was saying. Head in the sand as they say. One thing that always remained the same, is the love and direction I have for the Divine. ( whatever name you put with it is perfect, I have many names, it’s all the same)

When I look back now, after evolving out of that fear and into my power and truth; I’m almost ashamed at how much of my life was being governed by outdated belief systems, very closed minded people, and a society that had been built off labels and separation.  This magnificent creation of planet earth and its vast diversity simply cannot be placed in any box or taught just “one way” of doing things.  It’s the perspective of the minds of the people that inhibit it, that needs a change. When we separate or categorize, we limit the magnificence and mystery of our creator.  It limits the miraculous way spirit speaks to and through ALL people; religions, race gender, social class whatever. We are all unique representations of creation. Our stories of evolution are wanting to be expressed.  The magnificent creative perfect sparks of the divine is longing to be heard. It is through diversity that God speaks. It is the coming together of all of our diversity that brings LOVE into every aspect, because that very presence and creator of the  universe, IS LOVE.

My sexuality is just a small part of this creation of me.

I am so proud of being who I am:

I love that I am a lover of all people. I love that I am only white on the outside but really Latina and black on the inside. Well probably many more cultures at that. :).  Facebook told me I was Brazilian and African so we know it’s true. I love that I am smart.  I love having my own opinion.  I love making people laugh and cracking jokes in really awkward situations. I still think accidental farts and falls are really hilariously funny.  I love being a big fat geek. I love sex. I love intimacy. I love romance. I love embodying the divine masculine, inside a very feminine and sexy body. I love the balance of my divine feminine. I love being Mahu. I love to serve in this community.  I love being a healer. I love people. I love My friends. I love my family.  I love that I love so passionately and deeply.  I love being a nurse and connecting to people. I love to write. I love music with every part of my soul. I love my mom.  I love my family. I love my friends. I Love God.

My intention for myself in writing this, is to live my life as openly and outloud as I can. To be an example. To be free from any expectations of previous versions of me. I’m fully stepping into the new and releasing what no longer positively serves who I am becoming as a leader.  Each of those versions were all a part of this beautiful, crazy path.  I want to be an example of living your life and truth without caring what other people think, even if it means disappointing some people. Disappointing their own version of you. There is so much to this life!! So many people to meet, so many people that want to love you for who you are, freely and openly! So many things to see! I want NO part of me to feel hidden. I don’t want to be basic. I want to live a live worth living and be unapologetically me. I want to live my life in full authenticity and be and example of integrity while I do so.  If people are meant to be a part of your path, they will choose to participate and show up for you. By showing up for yourself and respecting and loving every aspect of yourself, people will either rise or lower themselves to the level of your expectation.  If they don’t. Love them anyway. Just know that You are the only person that holds the key to your happiness.  When you are following your heart, it feels uncomfortable to be the only person standing in your corner at first, but with the faith and your first leap, you will find support in ways you never thought would be possible. Miracles happen.  People come into your life like angels. The things people say about you start to fade, because you no longer care to listen.  Why? Because now your own inner voice is stronger than any of the others and the only person you care to please is yourself and GOD.  You then realize those thoughts and judgments are only coming from wounded and hurt people projecting from their own wounds of fear and that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. Those judgments are no longer taken personal.  This is what it is like to be free.

Answered questions to frequently asked questions:

Yes. I still want to get married and have children and yes oddly enough this still gets asked.  I am old school, I hope to have a small healing organic farm one day, with a beautiful wife and healthy children. Raising conscious children, that will grow up as leaders for our future generations in helping with the evolution of our planet. To be difference makers on the right side of history. With the love and Will of Great Spirit leading their lives. (people don’t know how to see lesbians having children so it’s fun to answer that question) I plan of having a quirky diverse, fun family life full of travel.

Yes. I have dated guys before and was married to a really amazing human that I am proud to now call a friend. I am so proud of him and the life he is making for himself. He helped me grow in so many beautiful ways and I don’t regret for one moment the experience of being married to him or being a part of his family, as well as the church family we were a part of. He was and still feels like family in many ways and was one of this greatest soul mates I have had. I will always be there for him.

No. This does not mean that I hate men and it doesn’t mean I just haven’t had the right (you know what) <–this statement is made a lot. I actually love men. I still find men handsome and attractive. I have amazing relationships with the men that surround me and connect soul to soul with them all.  I am blessed to have some amazing unconditionally loving male humans in my life. I have learned so much from them and have had a lot of healing.  It’s just I don’t have that “thing”. The butterflies, the excitement, the sex drive or the passion. That deeper multidimensional feelings that you should get when you have a crush.

The End:

To my mother: I love you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

To my friends: Thank you for being Angels and walking beside me through it all. Our friendships have never skipped a beat throughout the years. Thank you for seeing me. I love you.

To my Aunts Uncles and cousins: Thank you for allowing me the space to heal and grow at a very hard, time in my life.  Thank you for being there for me and supporting me in such a transitional period of my life.  I love you guys so much.

To all the people that are angry with me, or are triggered by this and have expressed anger and  dissapointment in me: I love you. I love you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

 

With  all the love in my heart I write this,

 

Julie Mahu

-This is just the beginning.